I was watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix, a show about two women who's husbands leave them...for each other last night when an episode came on that really got to me, and made me cry. It was an episode where the two husbands, now a couple, officially, went to a funeral, and so did Grace and Frankie. The two husbands, Robert and Saul were arguing the whole time and suddenly Robert sits down and starts sobbing, on a lone chair in the corner while Saul holds him and tries to comfort him.
Saul says one thing, "I understand what you are going through, because I have also suffered a loss," and ironically while they were at a funeral, they were not discussing losing someone to death, but losing someone because a relationship ended. Losing someone because a new chapter of their lives are opening up, and while that is amazing and wonderful, it still hurts. They're both holding each other crying and Robert plainly states, "I miss my best friend," and just like that, I knew what he meant.
Later on, as Frankie is starting to go home, a blue car pulls up and she automatically gets in it and turns to face Saul, her ex husband. Her face immediately crumbles and she runs out of the car. She got into the car out of habit, like she used too when they were a couple, not so long ago.
Saul watches her go with this heart broken look on his face, guilt and sadness.
This episode just got to me. It's not a show I'm particularly into in anyway. It's sort of funny, sort of sad. But this episode was so universal if you ever broke up with someone and had to deal with the aftermath, especially someone you still love, someone you spent a signficant and intimate amount of time with.
This episode brought me back to one person, Ellie.
When we first broke up, things were so foriegn. I had never felt more alone then the first few nights without her. It was like someone had ripped away half of me and told me I would never see it again, which was true in a way. Even dinner was strange. I cried so many times, sitting on the couch over a plate of mac and cheese or spaghetti. Because I was used to eating late at night when I would be with her. I was used to us sitting next to each other at the dinner table and her hand would be on my knee as she ate. It was weird and lonely not having that.
I lost my best friend.
I would spend nights crying, my back up against the door so no one could come in, just absolutely sobbing. My life felt like a mess, in pieces around me. I used to close my eyes and wish to be back in my old room with her when I opened them. Instead I opened them to be in my new bedroom which I tried to make look nice.
I threw myself into drinking, friends, and socializing. There was hardly a night I was home because being home meant feeling that creeping loneliness edge in and having to actually deal with my feelings.
That episode reminded me of the sad weeks right after my break up.
That is true loneliness, having to adapt to not having someone who is around you all the time. True and dark loneliness, realizing that the person....your person...isn't around anymore, and truly believing you can't be by yourself, or sit alone in a room with your thoughts. It's lonely because I didn't know how to be alone those first few weeks.
I'm still a little sad about it, losing my best friend I mean. Truly someone who knew everything about my life, from why I woke up crying some nights, to the fact that I am afraid of sunflowers and big leaves. It was just easy.
But just because something is easy doesn't mean it's good for you is what I have learned.
I'm better now. I miss her, her family, but not as much as I appreciate mine and what they mean to me.
I just really appreciated that episode and how it centered on how it's okay to miss someone after a break up, even if you were the one who did the leaving.